I'm now almost a thousand miles away from home (in Hawaii).

It's a strange experience, since this is the first time I am so far away from everyone. While the new environment does create some form of excitement, there is also a sense of trepidation that something might just happen out there and I will never make it back.

Perhaps that pessimism has been made even more salient ever since Jude's passing. 

It's never easy to get over such grief.

Even as time passes, that emptiness remains.

Hei (黑) Jude & Milo Peng - Our Most Incredible Story

I wrote this lest I do not have time to tell the world how great it was to know you during the eulogy later, buddy. Thanks for being there during the best years of my life.

Hey Jude, you still remember the first time we met? I was there in the room waiting for my Windsurf Committee interview. You, as you always do, came up to me out from nowhere and said "Bro, can I cut your queue or not? I need to go for Muay Thai later." I didnt get a chance to tell you this but secretly in my mind, I was wondering "eh did you come wrong place or not, its windsurfing leh". No one would have believed it, but like the strangest of all coincidences, our incredible story begun.

We both became Training Coordinators eventually, though I had zero experience points at that time. I was a total newbie, but with your constant encouragement, I got better as time goes. I can still vividly remember you correcting my tack/jybe even till now. Of course, plenty of fun and laughter as we got to know each other better. 

December "Traning" Camp was our first major project together. You were always there as we brainstormed games to play with the freshies. That was when you got to know our dear friends, Charissa, Sabrina, Karen and Henrietta. Somehow as time goes, Things could only get better with you around.

Our first year as Training Coordinators

Jude, I could sense some change in myself after knowing you. I used to be quiet and introverted and timid.You never failed to cheer me up when things were tough. You gave me the confidence to try new things. Uni life would not have been that memorable with you and the CPGs. We went on trips together (eg. Ubin, Zoo, Bukit Timah Hill etc), lunches in school, the HTHT sessions, karaokeparty etc. Who could forget our wacky Jude the Surfer at our costume party, or the two-faced Jude at Horoscope Dinner? Those were precious memories shared by us.

One classic Gay Buddy Post

Our first ever costume Party

Horoscope Night

Oh yes, thanks for the birthday kite and birthday celebration as well! Though we didn't manage to fly it, its still hold dear to me. Remember this photo? I rank this as the most "gay" on my list of common photos with you. Those were the wacky times.

Our most "gay" photo

But windsurfing was still our core business. We trained hard for competitions and ITWC. You were always showing off at the rowing machine, telling us "if you can do it, so can we!" But I don't possess biceps that big, but we tried our best anyway. This was the photo that inspired us to work for our goals. Though we lost it one particular year, you were never discouraged. Instead you kept our fighting spirits up and that spurred us to work harder.

That ITWC trophy that windsurfers trained hard for

Windsurfing would never be the same without you, Jude. You understood the purpose of having a strong line of heritage. Windsurfing was all about fun, fun, fun. You wowed and charmed many freshies over the many camps that we went on to organise. We talked about you these few days, and the juniors remembered you as the friendly and encouraging senior. You would always be at the shores guiding them, people like Jocene, Katrina, Valerie, Xingyan, Yew Ming, Chuanzhi, Hongjng etc.They are our next generation that we wanted to grow. Look at them, they have all improved over the years.

Our next generation of windsurfers

We missed you while you were away on exchange. As Jocene said, "this photo can attest to it". But we knew you will be back. While you were not around, we continued our legacy to make windsurfing the best water club in NUS. That was a great vision that wouldn't have made it without your constant support.

I was so emo then

Strangely enough, time passed quickly and you were back. I had a shock when I saw your ponytail back then. But you were still the old jude I knew, the wacky one. But I could also notice a change in you. Your trip must have opened up new perspectives on life. You became more "special", daring to be different from the rest. 

You told me your dream of become an entreprenuer. Surfing Pizza was like your baby. You were the pizza maker, Yew Ming the oven guy, Valerie the chef, Amelia the PR and me, the seaweed cutter. But nevertheless, you were always positive-thinking. "The pizza will not be that good if you didnt cut the seaweed." We had that much fun in Eusoff Hall.

Our times at Surfing Pizzas

But some parts of the old you remained, like Jude the entertainer with his harmonica during windsurf camps. Nevertheless, exchange have brought you new insights and you became more confident. You were the dreamer while I was a realist. It's a strange combination but it seemed everytime we got together, some powerful and magical will appear. That was when our 20 seconds of insane courage came and "Dare to Eat alone" was born.

We held on to this belief that the world will become a better place if we put effort into changing the status quo. On that night in camp, we sat and wondered why people didn't dare to eat alone. We shared stories of ourselves eating alone in the canteen and friends would come by and say "Aiyo why you so kelian, eating alone?" Actually we were perfectly fine, but we noticed this social stigma of avoiding been seen eating alone.

That was when we hatched our plans together with sonia. Many people are afraid to be seen eating alone and avoid doing it. But why not? Eating alone is not anti-social. Maybe people are afraid because they never tried. Hence, we encouraged people to spend this day eating alone, to experience that it was not as psychologically fearful as they thought. 

But how would people know that we are fighting this social stigma if they just sit alone quietly? Experiences are short-lived, how would people be reminded of their eating alone experience? Let's make a t-shirt! And that was our masterpiece that will go on to live forever. Now, each time I wear the shirt, I will be reminded of this great plan to change the world. And I believed it has impacted many others as well.

We have our own troubles. I was quite affected by all the negative comments targeted at us on the forums. But you never lost faith in us. I wouldn't have made it without you Jude. And now, that newspaper cuttings, interviews remained kept dearly. I tell you, that was the most crazy thing I have done in my life. 

Dare to eat alone

We have done so much in such a short span of time together. You were always at the forefront of everything and I hope you can continue to serve God well up there. 

Your spirit and our common memories will continue inspire me. Now, I am no longer afraid to eat alone, because I know you will be watching over all of us. Thank you my dear friend, RIP.

One of the observation at work was the relatively weak knowledge on computer systems and how it work. As such, I decided to spent some time in the name of "self-upgrading" using free course ware via distance learning.

Hope I can survive this.

The Ordinary Tales of Mr Barney

Mr Barney woke up early this morning. Strangely enough, there was no particular reason why he should be up at this time of the day but he did. It appeared as though some magic clock was triggered and he was up instantaneously, ready for work. Not a minute late.

But today's Sunday! He suddenly remembered.

Oh well, instead of sleeping again, why not do something productive? Maybe I should check my email to see if Boss sent me anything to do today.

Refusing to waste another minute on bed, Mr Barney got up quickly, like a soldier on quick-march. His actions executed with perfection. On his way to the bathroom, he scanned his room, everything was spic-and-span, as usual. He smiled to himself at the sight.

Finishing his daily business, he walked to his couch and sat down. He turned on his laptop and sieve through the pop-ups to his email.

No news from Mr Big Brother.

Mr Big Brother must be very busy today. He didn't even have to the time to send me an email on what to do. Maybe I should check with Mr Small Brother instead, Mr Barney thinks.

No news from Mr Small Brother as well.

How about Mrs Controller? She always gave me lots of work to do. I'm sure she will have something for me.

Nope, nothing from Mrs Controller either.

What on earth is happening today?? Mr Barney wondered, starting to feel a little distressed. He searched through his online calendar. It's not the Mind-Training Day, Sensor-ship Morning or even the annual "Love thy Brother" Conference. Where is everyone?

Maybe I should do something else first while I wait for their assignments. The weather looks pretty good this morning, Mr Barney admired as he pull the curtains.

The first rays has just shone on the city. The silhouette of the magnificent skyscrapers awed him. That plain sight of Perfection.

This is the perfect weather for a walk!

Oh wait. What if Mr Big Brother wants to look for me? Or even Mrs Controller? Mr Barney contemplated for a while.

Taking a walk is not exactly a good idea. Perhaps I should take some time to smell the roses. Didn't books always tell us to do that all the time? I should learn to enjoy myself too.

That's a good idea, Mr Barney smiled at his own genius.

And he turns on the Internet. A flower photo pops-up.

Ah, what a way to enjoy the weekends!

(CP, 06.04.12)

**My first attempt at writing short stories! I will try to write more in the future. Enjoy =)

Life can't always be on the bad side.

Some good news to share. I finally got my driving licence! After years of procrastination, I finally set my heart to complete this long-overdue new year resolution (since donkey years ago).

It's the first goal I have achieved in years. That feeling is awesome.

Yes 1 time =)

Life can be scary sometimes. Especially the point when things that you thought matter most suddenly get dampened and forgotten over time. To me, that is the most fearful aspect. 

The struggles and success previously so deeply etched in my mind can become so insignificant all of a sudden. Like how one used to have to eat bread for an entire month because the family is poor, the failure to get into science stream in secondary school, the journey to learn a new subject in JC, the feeling of stepping on stage to receive an award, the aftertaste of losing a major competition or even the sense of achievement in completing a thesis, these memories become foreign and faraway at the blink of an eye.

Time is running too fast. Even as the monotony of working life sets in.

For Love

For                                 love,

   we are                            willing to steal,
we dare to lie to                      our other halves,

we can imagine things               with greater extremity.

we can also kill, and hatred grows stronger the same time.

But for love, we can also do our best to sing in the rain,

we can persevere even when the world is against us,

we learn to see things beyond our points of view.

We accepted even the most difficult of flaws,

understood that one can give more than take.

Love is, most contradictory in discourse,

also the most complex of languages,

the most courageous of all acts,

most magnificent on Earth,

and the most essential
in defining us 

human.

(CP, 14.02.2012)

To my readers, Happy Valentine's day to you =)

2011 is the year when the blogging activity was at its lowest. It seems to me that the passion for blogging is dying a slow death. In introspect, I could sense some change in myself.

In the past, I was an idealist. I always had this firm belief that the world could be a better place and that it wasn't so bad after all. I still perceive this as true. But it seemed that I am much more realistic now. There are indeed many things that lies outside my control and intellect. 

Life was all about studying for the good grades in the past. Education was a tool to break out of the current circumstances to a better future. That belief spurred me. I worked hard, but there will always someone else even better. So when will this constant pursuit for higher education end?

Perhaps the most shocking truth I have realized this year was that after all these years of studying, I couldn't get a job. I was fortunate to find one ultimately, but this journey was mentally exhausting. This was not because I had to spend a lot of time thinking of how to write my resumes, prepare for interviews etc, but rather the cognitive dissonance that education is the key to a secure job. That was hard to resolve.

In the previous posts, I wrote that I found a job based on my experiences in my CCA rather than the course itself. That was a strike to the core. Perhaps reality had finally struck. Without good grades, its not easy to land a job you like. It's not the fault of anyone or society. There are too many people competing for the same coveted position, so there must be someway of selection. It so appears that qualifications is one such key. But what about all those less academically-inclined? Are they less worthy of such opportunities too?

This is not a sign of pessimism. I still have confidence in my own abilities but I am more grounded in reality now. But I am concerned for the many facing such problems out there. Yet, I don't have the power to do much (or do I?). 

With this realization, I have grown a little more this year. It's a part of self-discovery that I am grateful for.

Happy 2012. 

My internet & phone line was down for the entire month of Nov and Dec, hence the lack of posts.

During this month, I realized that working in an organization where information access is restricted is no easy task. The inconvenience it brings can be unbearable at times. Yet, it is important to have this control because in this new age, Information is King. Whoever owns the flow of information gains the power to decide the fates of people, policies and the turn of events.

One minor lapse and the consequences may be unimaginable, especially with the proliferation of the social media. I am deeply awed and yet fearful by this new future we are heading to.

Sometimes you watch the online news and see articles like this, it is heart wrenching to see how the society has changed so much within such a short period of time. Another bystander effect re-enacted in real-life. Perhaps everyone needs to study this aspect of social psychology.

An ugly yet disturbingly real reflection of the human nature.

Finally after 5 years of procrastination, it's time to get serious in driving. Wish me luck =)

With the economy in bad shape for the past few weeks, all of my holdings were in the red even though it was a defensive portfolio.

On reflection, I have to admit that it might be a mistake to enter the market now. I had assumed that an overweight in bonds (80% bonds and 20% equities) would be a good decision but things are not going as what I envisioned. With every decision I make, I gained a new understanding on the financial markets, and they continue to intrigue me each time.

It's time for me to prepare myself psychological for this, otherwise it might be more sleepless nights for the next few months. It's going to be a rough ride.

Recently another of my relative ended up in a hospital again. She was detected with a tumor in her ovary and had to undergo an operation. The previous time another aunt of mine was hospitalized due to overwork. She had suffered a stroke at just the age of 40+.

This recent spate of events prompted me to start thinking of my parents' future. They had worked very hard to bring us up. I'll honestly admit that they had spent almost everything on us and had little savings left. This is barely sufficient to prepare for any emergency at home. Based on consultations with financial planners, this should be a sum of around 3-6 months of the salary.

I also found out that they didn't have any insurance coverage at all, nor even funds for retirement. I worry for them because the hospital bills can be quite taxing. While I pray that they may continue to be in good health, it is necessary to do some precautionary measures.

As the eldest in the family, this heavy responsibility rests on my shoulders from now on. Fortunately for us, I have 3 more siblings to help out. It's going to be a long road down.

It's been some time since the last post.

I have finally managed to get a job (at long last). While it may not be a perfect fit, I guess the nature of the job scope interests me nevertheless. Unfortunately as DXO, there are still many restrictions on what you can say.

What surprises me the most is that I was selected for this job because of my prior experiences in Second Life, rather than on the basis of my psychology degree. It's funny how a cca managed to secure me a job but not my academic course. Yet, it also serves as a reminder that there is some value in everything we experience.

Who would have thought that my project management skills in computer simulation would land me a IT position in mindef? Or that the calligraphy course Steve Job did in college would go on to create more things.

There are still many things out there that can be learned. It takes a curious mind to dig them out. Stay observant.

It has been a long time since I had the "Eureka!" feeling and it appeared a few nights ago in my dreams.

As some of you may know, writing is a passion of mine and I have always been sourcing for ideas for a full-fledged book. If you ask me for a list of ideas, there's probably around 20-30, but there wasn't something suitable for me to carry it out.

I admit I am no trained writer. I don't know much about literary form and techniques. What I do have are just pure ideas, many in draft forms. Many of these are in different stages. I have started certain chapters for some, others still in point form.

And now I have found something that can be carry out with fervor. I shall work on my quarter-life autobiography. Whether it is published eventually is a different matter, but I'm getting excited.

Another crazy idea of mine. But who's to say that life cannot be crazy? =)

Recently, I applied for a position in an organization specializing in soft-skills education but was rejected once again. By the strangest coincidence, I got to know the director and she invited me to attend a workshop.

With too much time on hand, I decided to attend the financial workshop and was exposed to a new board game called "Smart Money". It's actually an adapted version of Cashflow 101 by Robert Kiyosaki. For those people who don't know who he is, he is the author of the book "Rich Dad Poor Dad".

In this board game, your objective is to find ways to retire from full-time work. This is done so by trying to increase the source of passive income such that it exceeds your active income (your job). It was my first time playing, and I picked the role of a medical specialist with a monthly salary of $15,000.

I started off being the highest paid individual in the game, but at the end I couldn't manage to retire within the 3 hours. My net worth was only worth $520,000. Yet, the other people I played with managed to retire earlier though they started with a lower starting salary. For instance, the engineer started with $3,000 monthly pay but rose to $1.2million net worth at the end.

This game taught me a lot on developing your own financial strategies to achieve your goal. If anyone is interested I can tell you more in person next time.

Sometimes it is good to open your mind to the other opportunities around.

We are at the crossroads of our lives and there are many paths I can choose. Previously I had this "insistence" to find a job that matches my expectations and ideals. I had a clear direction, to find a organizational-psychology related job, work for a few years to gain some experience and go for further studies in 3-5 years time. I had envisioned that I would have started work by July, cleared my debts in 2 years so that I can save enough for a Masters.

Unfortunately none of this came true at the moment. But I came upon a realization. Why did I think that things will go this way? No one said that I had to do a IO job, or have to go for a Masters. Strangely, I was the one who designed the system of thought that I have entrapped myself in. I was like Daedalus who designed the maze to keep Minotaur in Crete. The only difference was that he had a backup plan to escape but I didn't.

Why can't I be an entrepreneur, a salesman or a technician? I had given up such options myself, thinking that I can't do it; its too risky or not temperamentally suited for an extrovert job.

If I do not have the necessary skills to succeed, I can learn them. If I do not have the experience, I can start from scratch. If I do not have the capital, I can look for them.

Suddenly the limits to opportunities exists only in my mind. And I'm determined to break out of it.

Strawberry Generation

I am

a child of the 80s.

But I also go by different names,

Generation Y, Post-independence babies,

Internet-savvy kids, Strawberry Generation.

I know we have been in a glass cover all our lives.

I am deeply grateful for everything that has been done for us.

But is it an accurate assumption to say that we are a weak bunch?

Our forefathers have done a great job securing a good future for us.

We have a quality education, a good home and safe environment.

We need not experience the tough life our parents endured under the sun.

That is the irony of progress. We can have what we want too easily.

In the end, we may forget the fighting spirit of our ancestors.

But I'm not sure whether we have indeed lost that drive.

Our generation is a different bunch.

We go through life in a different world.

Expectations are different now.

Strawberries plants are not

as resilient as Durians.

But that does not

mean that

we cannot

survive on

our own.

Trust us.

Your blood

lives in us.

We are your sons and daughters.

(CP, 12.08.2011)

Life's getting tougher with each passing day. As much as we want and try to control the things around us, it is not an easy feat.

To keep the spirits up, I want share a quote that had been close to my heart. I can't remember the actual quote but its something similar.

天降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行指乱其所为，所以动心忍性，曾益其所不能。——《孟子》

The direct translation - Before any great task is given to an individual, that person has to go through mental hardships and endure physical pain in order to strengthen his resolve.

Things in life does not always go according to our wishes. Each one of us will face different sets of obstacles along their way (poor grades, unemployment, divorcee etc). Of course, some people may be more lucky than others but there is no merits in envy. It only serves to make us more miserable.

Instead, it is good to focus our attention on the rest of the world. There are many examples of individuals who went against the odds to succeed. Some are in more difficult situations than us but they managed to did it.

What separates the winners from the rest is their strong resolve and determination. These qualities can only be trained through periods of stress. So if life is harsh now, take it as a challenge and face it head on. It will not be easy, but what doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. If we can't even beat the problem now, how will we be able to face even bigger problems in the future?

A storm is brewing, the strawberry plant has to survive the odds without its glass cover no matter what.