I spent the past week reading this book titled - Do Ilamas fall in love? by Peter Cave, a collection of 33 philosophical puzzles. I have to admit some of the short stories are beyond my comprehension, but this particular one struck me the most. Which talked about the idea of democracy based on Plato's ship analogy (since GE is around the corner). I will briefly explain the puzzle here based on my own understanding.

(*disclaimer - I may interpret the original story differently from the original so read it at your own discretion).

When we are sick, we will want to see a doctor. If we have a locked door, we seek help from a locksmith. So if we want to look for a leader to run a country, who do we look for?

The previous two examples illustrated that we tend to look for the expert to solve our problems. A doctor has enough domain knowledge to cure us of our diseases, a locksmith can understand the mechanics of a lock to open it. It would not be logical to ask a random person to do this, if we want a certain level of success at the job, so we seek an expert. So when we want to run a country, we want to look for someone (or a team) who has sufficient experience.

In a true democracy, the people are the decision-makers. We use majority votes to decide which bills get passed, which one does not. But here lies a problem. How do the people know which is a better option? Supposed we have high unemployment in the country. In this hypothetical country of 100 men, 50 people voted for reducing pay so that companies can create more jobs (Option A) , 40 vote for reducing the number of foreign workers in the country (Option B), 10 vote for increasing investment in R&D to create more jobs (Option C). Based on the example, option A seem to be the best solution, since most people supported it.

The problem comes from the fact that majority of the population do not have the sufficient knowledge of the consequences associated with each option. Just like Plato's analogy, a group of squabbling sailors does not have the knowledge of an expert navigator in deciding the course of travel. But if we let the expert decide everything for us, is it still a democracy?

Fortunately we have gotten past that stage. Democracies in recent times referred to the process in which the majority of the people vote for an expert to be their representative in Parliament. Thus, we get to pick the person we want, and that person has the ability to make good decisions.

I asked another question here (not in the text). If the representative thinks that option C is the best, but majority thinks A is the best, what should this leader do? Choosing A would meant that he gets the popular vote but that may not be the best solution. Chose C and he might not be the representative the next time.

I don't really have an answer to this yet. But I guess the best solution out of this is to have an educated group who is able to discern the worthiness of the candidates. Yet this is problem by itself, since it is probably equally hard to have a population that well educated enough to come up with good decisions (it would meant the demographics are homogenous).

Breaking Free

Yours is a life destined for success.
I do not belong here, in the same league as you.
My life is not calculated in cold numbers,
in artificial means,
fine-tuned to near perfection,
permutated into another successful story like yours.

I do not have the talent to be like you,
Yours being, a noble aspiration to us all.
I can only follow behind,
tracing your footsteps,
trailing an ardous path,
one which I can never catch up to.

I see a way out.
To sneak from behind,
to take away,
fame, fortune and power.
But this is not what success means to me.

I seek a different fortune,
venture a different route,
partake in a different journey.
Materialism brings no comfort to me,
neither can it fill up this void,
the one that I have been carrying.

You may see pity in my eyes,
That I am such a fool,
for not chasing in the rat-race,
that I have no purpose in life.

I have no wish to join this little game of yours.
That others have tried so hard to win,
only to realise that they are trapped within
another bigger game.

I shall step aside this time,
and watch them play.
Exhausting all their trickery,
only to be outwitted by the smartest,
the one who programmed them,
the puppet-master behind the scene.

My plans for a sojurn has begun,
degenerating my ideologies,
shedding away the many layers of myself,
deconstructing every bit of me that made
me who I am,

until I become nothing.

Then can I truly be free,
out of this pre-destined doom,
the one that had been waitng,
waiting ever since we came here.
For me,
for you,
and for everyone else.

(CP, 10.12.2006)

Reflections of a Thesis Student II

I am done, finally.

In fact, I was lost for words when I first saw the ring-bound copy of my thesis on Monday, at around 1.15pm. This journey hadn't been easy, but I managed to survive it. As to whether it is considered a good piece of work, it really depends on the examiners.

Nevertheless, I considered this my best piece of work at present, given my limited cognitive capacity. 10 years down the road, I might see more flaws in this paper, but that is something to worry in the future.

This 39-page, 9700 words essay is a cumulation of toil and tears for the past year. Many lonely nights and Saturdays accompanied this data collection period. Holidays were spent in the laboratory conducting sessions with many different kinds of students, some with a positive attitude to help, others there for a different purpose.

Yet, all this wouldn't even be possible without months of literature readings, consultations, peer discussions etc. Personally, this was probably the hardest part of the thesis journey. I took around 3-4 months before I finalized the proposal with my prof. During this period, I have lost count the number of journal articles that I have read. That in itself was already a challenge.

Then came the proper writing after everything else, and the section that weighed the most. In fact, I still feel that 100% on a final product does not truly reflect the individual's ability and effort. After all, a student may still end up getting a C if he didn't it write well, even if he spent all his time doing research and data collection.

Nevertheless, I find trouble penning down the many different articles into a coherent piece of work (and some others that I knew have this problem too). Reviews after reviews is part and parcel of thesis writing, so if you who intend to do thesis in the future, It's better to be realistic. There is a reason why papers need 1-2 years (if you are lucky) to be published in journals. The same goes for a thesis. So be prepared.

Minus away the time spent on the actual thesis (50% of the total time), the rest of the time was a mixture of nightmares and sleepless nights. Every night I wondered how I was going to survive the rest of the journey. My mind was preoccupied with thesis; at home, in lectures, in the toilet or even in my dreams. I hypothesize that this may be due to unnecessary worrying and procrastination. But trust me, it probably is true.

There will be times when you feel like giving it all up. That was the time your inner resolve is being tested. But once you survived all this , you will be a different person.

Now that everything is over, a new milestone has been achieved. It's time to look beyond that and reclaim my lost social life =)

If you noticed a friend missing on fb, don't worry its me.

I'm taking a hiatus. Will be back when the time is right (after the submission) =)

46 more days to go and I'm still stuck with the second study. Omg I'm going crazy!

Someone please help this poor soul out!

I don't know how many others feel the same way, but right now I am extremely unsure of what lies ahead after graduation.

For the past 10 years, my only goal in life was to reach university. Now that I have successfully completed this milestone, it is time to set a new goal. But where should I venture?

I know I have to look for a job to repay back the bank loan, but what kind of job should I be looking for? Should I look slowly and find the job that fits me best, or should I just find any job that I have reasonable interest and just mould my expectations to the situation?

I need to reflect once more.

The vicious cycle of criticism

On one hand, we lament the lack of creativity in Singapore, yet on the other, we complain about the stupid things Singaporeans can come up with. For instance, someone comes up with a new concept (like developing battery-powered bicycles to replace cars), there will be others who will criticize the idea (saying its stupid; its wasting more money; might as well reduce the numbers of cars/increase roads, go think of how to increase the employment rate instead.. blah blah etc).

While it is true that criticism does helped to improve the final design (sometimes), no one seemed to understand its negative effects. To get someone to even try to do something different is already a difficult thing. When someone finally drums up the courage to do something, he gets this sort of criticism. Its not easy to stand up to criticism all the time. Especially in collectivist societies, where "face" is an important element to social status.

This creates a sort of disincentive for individuals to pursue their dreams for fear that it may be stupid. After all, the creator himself will never know whether it is feasible until he tries it out. But this pervasive fear of "standing out from the crowd" may poses barriers to entry for those who are really passionate.

The effects are not just limited to the creators. "Potential ideas" may be lost due to the fear of being labelled as "another attention-seeking attempt". Then no one will dare to do something different (that may prove to be something useful in the future). So who loses out in the end? Probably everyone.

So how do we get out of it?

Honestly I have no idea as well. There are a few options though.

1) people become more resilient to criticism/failures,
2) don't criticise (or rather positive criticism)

The 1st option is probably hard, considering that "face" has been researched by psychologists as being part of our cultural distinction. To ask a Chinese to do something that might potentially lose "face" is probably not easy.

Option 2 will require the support of the majority of the population. Personally, this is equally hard, considering that Singaporeans are known for being "complainers". Phrases like "This thing not good, that thing can be improved" probably sounds familiar to all of us. To ask everyone to support "creative attempts" is akin to asking one to take a plunge outside the comfort zone. Not everyone is going to do it in the end.

Promoting creativity

The culture must be changed. Not many people dare to risk being different. But when they do, what they really wished would be some support to give them the confidence to carry on. And I think that is what we really need.

An environment that is not so critical of the things people do.

But that does not mean no criticism at all is good. Positive criticism works so much better than saying things like "this kind of student deserve to lose his job to FT; this is probably the most stupid idea; I can't imagine our world-class university nurtures people like this."

Just like the million social issues we have around the world, this is not going to be easily resolved. People can't change overnight. So I guess its going to take sometime before our society does change.

Till that time, good luck to all the "potential creators" =)

I just found out I forgot to do my year end review! As per tradition, here is a brief recap of my year in 2010.

Jan - Inspirations for the sunflower stories emerged and the meaning of being happy.

Feb - An emotional month when we failed to achieve 4x champions as well as reflections on the existence of "groups".

Mar - Learnt the art of dealing with people. Not as easy as Spelling Bees.

Apr - What does it mean to succeed? With some push from Homer, of course.

May - A period to think of my future. Another leap of faith into grassroots work with PAYL2010.

Jun - The official start of my thesis journey, and a fun time at OBS with PAYL training.

Jul - Good memories with Project Excellence Camp 2 and Windsurf Camp 5. I also had a peek view of the violent nature of Singaporean parents.

Aug - The awesome 25knots wind (p.s a swollen leg in return).

Sep - What will the future holds for us? I still don't have an answer now.

Oct - The month of spreading the art of celebration to others =)

Nov - Is this a sign that there is a social activist in the making??

Dec - Reflections over the past 6 months of thesis journey. It has been worthwhile after all.

The resolution in 2010 was to accept my own flaws and become a better person. I'm not sure if I have really done that. But I could feel that I have more courage to pursue the things that I want now. I will dedicate the coming year to achieving my fullest potential in my final semester.

Happy 2011.

Last 85 days to go!

My prof told me that we can try to get the paper published in a journal. But that will require me to do another experiment (which means I have to conduct 3 studies instead of the 2 for my thesis). Looking at the very tight deadline, it seemed almost impossible but I will try my best.

Otherwise, I might be staying back in school for one more semester (not as a student though) to complete this. Should I stay for another semester?

Why I did it

For those that don't know about it yet, I recently started this "Eat Alone" Campaign on FB.

Honestly, this is my first time doing this kind of stuff (i.e. public event). I have to admit that it is not easy. I still remembered the first time I explained my idea to the rest of my friends, most of them gave me the "huh", "you're joking", "total waste of time lah".

Is the idea really that strange? I wondered then. But nevertheless, I went ahead. It's not because I have nothing better to do, or I am just trying to be cheeky. I still have a 15MC Honours Thesis to do. I could have spent my time constructively on that. Or even go out with my friends, go play some sports or do my regular volunteering. I had to sacrifice sleep for this. So I'm pretty serious about this.

I did it because I felt it has to be addressed. It is really true that I heard so many stories about people not eating because they are embarrassed to be seen eating alone. There is this negative stereotype about these "loners/anti-socialists". If it was some other campaign, like "Why can't we SU our own faculty modules" I am guess I will do the same. But I wonder whether I will get the same response.

So I supposed that it is the severity of the issue presented here. Apparently, either this social stigma is not important, or people are not at least bothered by it. So as the curious individual, I will question why is this the case. Is it because people are ignorant or refuse to admit it?

Are Singaporeans really so conformists? It's not like I'm anti-establishment or something. What I want is to raise the awareness. As university graduates, if we do not question, how are we ever going to improve? It disappoints me a lot when I received such negative comments, but I guess nothing comes easy if you are the pioneer.

Our kind intentions appeared to be disruptive to others. Very strange. Perhaps I should go study this perceptual issue for my post-grad research next time.

Nevertheless, thanks to all the supporters! Really appreciate everything. Yes. I admit that I am an idealist. I really hope the world can be a better place. It is very hard to change some deep-ingrained mindsets but I am willing to try. This world doesn't just belong to the pragmatists. If I think what I am doing is right, I will follow through all the way =)

I was at the NUS Windsurf December Training Camp 2010. This time, I was quite amazed by the goodie bag. There was a lot of useful stuff for people who windsurf quite often (or exposed to the sun for prolonged periods).

One of the thing I am going to post is the Sunplay's SPF 130. I'm impressed that the organizers managed to get this item considering that sunblocks doesn't come cheap. I really hope they can get it again for their upcoming July Camp!

Nevertheless, the sunblock was great! 130 is definitely more than the average and offers longer protection. The design was fantastic, small and easily packed for convenience. When I applied it to my skin the texture was smooth, not very sticky (or oily) unlike other brands. That is something that I liked best. It was easy to apply as well and gets absorbed by the skin pretty quickly.

Definitely recommend it to my fellow windsurfers! =)

Reflections of a Thesis Student

As I sit in the lab now, reflecting on what came over me to want to embark on this ardous journey, I suddenly realised how far I have come since then.

Right from the month of April, I had first started looking for supervisors (and plentiful rejections of course). It was really tough convincing others to take you in. You do so much research and ended up the prof can't take you in. It almost seemed like a waste of time, considering that you should be studying for the exams that will determine your fate to get into Honours. But in retrospect, I learnt the importance of being proactive. No one will tell you what to do, you have to do it yourself.

Flashback to the month of May/June, I was still looking for potential supervisors. Not that there wasn't any available prof, but blame it on my insistence. I didn't want to do a topic that I didn't have interest in (abnormal, cog, developmental etc). To me, it was a tough decision to stick to my plans (which could ultimately fail) but I did it anyway. It was as though some higher-being finally took pity and I finally found one. It was immense joy, but short-lived for I know there was a long way ahead.

Things didn't turn up too well in July,/Aug, because my supervisor was constantly away for conferences. No advice or guidelines to follow. In the end, I had to "find my way in the dark". Constantly tweaking and refining (which I believed everyone else was like that too). But oh well, that tough period was over. Especially when you are still taking special semester and cca.

September/October passed by like a flash, when I was still tweaking the proposals, experimental designs and grants (yes I applied but didn't get in the end). The feeling was like fighting a war with no ammunition. Totally sucks. Its even worse when you hear stories of how others have finished collecting their samples and you barely started. Near the end of October was disaster week (for those that know). Thesis was in the laptop, laptop spoilt. Fortunately I did a backup in my external harddisk. Unfortunately that harddisk spoilt too =(

From October to November, it was mad rush to recovery. Had to redo the lit review (based on memory power) as well as the data collection. It was also this period that I learn the value of friendship. So many people have supported me along the way. No man is an island indeed. Thank you all.

Now to the present moment, I am still surviving this period, doing data collection. Things are equally bad now, and I expect it to last all the way till graduation.

But one thing is for sure, this is too important to fail now. Regardless of what happen, I await the 4th April 2011.

It's the holidays. But it also means 116 days left to doomsday.

Nevertheless, I ought to enjoy my very last holiday before I graduate.

"I want to be a survivor.
And I know I will be."

The same verse kept resounding in my mind these days.

Celebrations

The art of celebration requires some skill.

But I don't mean that people don't know how to celebrate. It's quite common sense that if you experience some happy occassion, you will sense joy and some positive arousal that you want to share with others. I believe that everyone knows how to do this (hopefully).

Today I want to reflect about some other form of celebration. It is the art of celebrating "small success". This is something that not many people would know or practice. After all in this society, everything is about BIG Success. Having a good promotion, a new house, car, 5As for their examinations etc.

Very rarely do you hear people celebrate things like "Yay I met a new friend today, I finally got C+ instead of the usual C, or something like that." This is a question I have been wondering for some time. Why don't people celebrate these things?

It is still an improvement from the usual outcomes and we should celebrate them like how we celebrate other successes. But apparently to most people, it is not deemed significant enough to call for a party. I'm not exactly sure the reason, but I guess maybe people are not contented with what they have? or they expected somemore? or they just don't even bother?

I shall not comment about the rest of the people. But to me, good things don't happen all the time. Haha. I had so many hopes and dreams dashed in my 24 years of life. If I didn't learn this skill earlier, there might not have been anything significant that is worth celebrating at all. I could have very well sunk into a depression when I couldn't get this or that.

But those stories are true. I used to be like many others, wishing to have only the best. But after failing so many times, one night I just got "enlightened" (for a lack of a better word) and decided there should be more to life. Since then, I could feel a permanent change in me.

It's not that I no longer want the best for myself. I will strive to be the best I can be. But now, I no longer get affected as much when I fail. Failure has become an integral part of me, that I learnt to celebrate anything positive in my life, be it a big or small success. Things could have gotten worse but it didn't and this deserved some form of recognition as well.

For example, I looked back at how things would have been different if I have taken a different course in JC, or if I had studied harder to make it to triple science class, or if my family business didn't fail . The old me would be so full of regrets. But this new me is no longer very affected by these failures. Instead I see opportunity to seek out a new path that I didn't thought I would take maybe 10 years ago.

Life is no longer the same as before. Since we cannot predict with certainty what is going to happen in the future, it might be good to celebrate every success in life. For it could very well be the last one.

So treasure this moment. Celebrate.

I'm dying from psychometrics! =(

Somehow I didn't find it strange that I haven't blog for an entire month.

While there are many things that has occurred throughout this period, I seem less inclined to want to talk about it anymore. Which is weird since this is what this blog is all about.

Probably the most significant events that had occurred during my blogging hiatus would be the Sports Club NEXUS 2010 as well as the YouthsLead "Know Thy Neighbor" Project.

Don't really feel much like blogging, so I will keep these two events for next time. Today I will blog more about my ongoing thoughts.

"I guess I am now at the crossroads once again, and it's just like all the other ones I have encountered so far for the past 24 years. Yet somehow this time round it feels different. I'm not exactly sure of the cause. After all, I have already made so many decisions in life.

Watching the news reporting the death of Mrs Lee & Dr Balaji made me very emotional,however its not because I know them personally. In fact, I have only heard their names once in a while on TV. But I wondered why they are so willing to sacrifice their time and effort for society. Especially the case of Dr Balaji, who was battling cancer and yet continues to report for work. What is the energy that sustain this?

They could have retired and enjoyed their remaining lives, but why did they choose to contribute to a society that sometimes doesn't even appreciate their effort? Its the same case for LKY or any other politicians. They could have very well looked for a private sector job and earned a comparable, if not higher salary. From an economics point of view, I just don't understand why they will pick a harder path to go.

I don't have an answer to it. Yet somehow I get inspired by their stories that I wished I could be like them too. It's not because of the the pay because ultimately its hard to match up to the private sector in the long run. It's also not because of the recognition because I have seen and experienced what it is like to do grassroots work as well. More often than not, these people sacrifice their time/effort and end up with criticism and complains.

Why did they still do it in the end? I prefer to think that it's a calling. It is the realization that there is something larger than your own existence. Something that will ultimately outlive you.

What then will be my life project?

I guess I will just have to continue thinking."

p.s this Thursday is Full Colors Award . Hopefully can get Best Water Club too.

As I read this article "when is the last leaf falling?"

I can't stop but feel a sense of sadness and apprehension. What will the future hold for us?

Today was a pleasant session at PE.

As teacher's day is approaching, Simon told the class to make a card for their respective teachers in PE. I think this is a wonderful idea. Not that I want to preach the noble acts of teachers but I truly think they deserve every bit for their effort all this while.

It's good to inculcate a value of appreciation in our kids today. Remember my sunflower post? Appreciating what others have done for you can go a long way, even if the act is very small by itself. The world would be a much better place if people can start focusing on appreciating, not criticizing.

The card I saw today is one such example. It totally surprised me that the student that used to create the most problems in class actually did an appreciation card for us volunteers as well. Speechless but very much happy inside.

Sure brightened up my day today! =)

Congrats to Audrey Yong for winning Bronze in the Windsurfing Category in YOG!

Let's hope this success can spur more interest in the local windsurfing scene =)

arghh... I feel like windsurfing now.

YOG begins tomorrow!

Raise your hand for our generation

Fly the flags of every nation

Reaching out for that moment in our lives

Raise your hand for our generation

Living out your aspirations

Time to fly way beyond the skies

It's time to be inspired by the cheers of success, the tears of disappointment, the dreams of the every athletes, and the hopes of our generation =)

This is our time to shine.

Today's PE session was all about National Day.

We started by watching some videos of Singapore in the past and did up a poster which messages that we would like to dedicate to the country. While we were drawing the posters, national day songs like "We are Singapore", "Count on Me Singapore" , "Home" etc was playing very loudly in the background. We ended up singing the songs while doing our work. Haha

The kids are super enthusiastic about the songs that they kept requesting for YOG songs as well. I heard the "Everytime" song for like 3-4 times. It's also super interesting to end off the session with the national anthem as well.

Can't believe I have been absent for more than a month from PE. It feels good to be back =)

Just when I thought I could enjoy my one and only week of holiday, I ended up with a swollen leg.

But at least I got to experience the 25 knots wind at east coast before I got swept away by the huge waves. Even if it is for less than 5 mins.

Fortunately no fracture or broken bones, otherwise I doubt this challenging attempt to conquer the waves is worth it.

This post is way overdue.

I attended Module 2 of the YouthsLead program on the 16-18 July (which is right after the windsurfing camp). The camp was titled Serving with Passion and most of the activities were targeted at understanding "what drives us to volunteer?"

We first started out with a talk on the K&P model of leadership and went through our results based on the surveys we given to our co-workers, managers and direct reports. This is based on the principle of 360 degree feedback to understand our own leadership behaviors from the different perspectives. I will share my results personally if you are interested to know more.

Anyway, the second day of the camp started off with our presentation of the various Cs groups in the PA network, eg. CDC, CCC, CMCC, IAEC etc. We then had a discussion panel with some of the directors of the Youth Division in PA. This was followed by another discussion panel with some of the grassroot leaders and volunteer leaders at night.

Before the day ended, we also had to organise a "Kopitalk" and dialogue session with Dr Maliki bin Osman and other senior directors on our last day. Unfortunately, I decided to take on a personal challenge and took up the role of chief faciliator of the event.

It was quite an interesting experience now that I look back at it. If I didn't take that plunge, I would never have known what it is like to be an emcee of the talk and moderator of the dialogue session. haha

I now offically *heart NACLI =)

The busy week is finally over!

Come to think of it, I can't believe I managed to survive 2 consecutive camps in a week (including a 20% mid term + 20% presentation + 15% essay submission).

Windsurf Camp No. 5 went quite smoothly I think. It's a good feeling to see how much the committee have grown since it first started in Sept last year. I could still vividly remembered the challenge to bond the comm members and guide them with their job scope while trying to pull my cap at the same time.

There are lots of sacrifices made in the end, but the results justified the amount of effort put in. This is the first camp I didn't have to micro-manage. Everyone knew what they had to do, and helped each other out. I particularly have to thank xiaojie for organizing the team well.

It's heartening to see how your own actions can generate the interest to windsurf in others. One year ago, most of the seniors are still in their first year. They were struggling to keep themselves above the board, up-hauling all the time and never really got to surf. I remembered telling them this "Windsurfing is not an easy sport, you have to put in effort and practice to see results. As long as you keep trying, I promise 1 year later you guys will be a better windsurfer."

To see how they have transformed since then was quite emotional for me. I am glad I didn't give up when I was in year 1 as well. Otherwise all this will never have been possible.

As I gear myself to the last year of school life, I find myself saying the same things again to the new batch of freshmen. I am confident that the new generations will be ready in time to come =)

As promised, I decided to take a break and blog about the balloon incident that is so popular in my facebook.

The entire incident happened like this. It was the second day of the Project Excellence Camp, and one of the activity was an "amazing race" inside vivocity. As the facilitator I had to run all around with the entire shopping mall with the kids to complete the different tasks.

Everything ended successfully (Our team came in top!) and we were taking a break at level 1 near the entrance. While we were waiting, some of the kids and I saw this person dressed in all white going into the mall with a big bunch of balloons. It appears that there is a wedding proposal going on and it was meant to be a surprise for the bride-to-be.

A while later, the same guy was carrying this blindfolded lady (which I presume to be the bride) with the balloons. As he approached the entrance, he suddenly passed me the entire bunch of balloons on the way out. I was with the kids then, and in a flash everyone wanted a balloon from me.

The security guard appeared at this time and thought I was giving away the balloons and ask me to do some crowd control. Being the inexperienced balloon-giver, I was shocked then. With a big bunch of kids chasing after the balloons, I had to run out of the mall to give.

And as the kids come to get the balloons, the parents of other kids joined in the fight (members of the public at the mall). Apparently they must have thought there is free balloon to be given out. Fortunately Zhenyou shared some of my burden, otherwise I doubt I could survive that scene.

The parents are super violent, my fingers got stuck to the balloon strings and they still continue to fight over it. Even if the strings are tangled, they just pull and made things worse (with my fingers in it). It was one crazy day to remember.

And my string-burnt hands can testify to it.

I thought it might be a good thing to change my blog layout to something more organised and easier to read.

And terror struck. I forgot to backup the links and the tagboard. Will update again soon when I fix the problem.

I need to ask everyone some questions.

1) How do you tell if a person is rude towards you at work/school?

2) Why do you think people are rude to others at work/school?

3) What do you usually do if people are rude to you at work/school?

4) How do you try to reduce the rude behavior in the other person, or can it be reduced?

Please give me some advice on the following. Otherwise I can never sleep well.

My THESIS PLEDGE

I know this is not an easy path,

I know there are many obstacles ahead,

I know I will experience stress, fustration and disappointment,

I know I might fail somehow,

I know this is one lonely journey to take,

I know it will make or break me,

But I also know CP is one who doesn't give up without a fight.

I don't want to be someone who is afraid to try, and yet regret not trying in the end.

Instead I want to be a survivor...

And I know I will be.

The journey of 12,000 words begins.

**Let this pledge be the constant reminder to stay motivated and focused all the way. Till the date 8th April 2011**

Totally busy with the Project Excellence camp the past week. Extremely exhausted by I'm loving it =)

Now its back to school once again!

p.s I will blog about the balloon incident pretty soon (when I managed to find time to do so)

I'm back from module 1 of the PA YouthsLead program! It was definitely an enriching session at OBS, even though the duration is rather short (2D2N). Still I got to know new friends and learnt more about myself.

But the most important thing I received from this was I found back the very fire I had for volunteerism in the first place. Come to think of it, time does pass very quickly. Before I know it, I'm almost nearing the "3 year itch" of volunteering.

I have to agree that my passion is no longer as strong as when I first started. Perhaps it is because I got so much more other commitments at hand now than in the past. I feel that I am no longer putting 100% as much as I would like to. Volunteering can be hard work at times.

But during my time in OBS, I reflected a lot. I got to this realization that though I can no longer contribute as much as in the past, but the very little act of contributing itself is enough. I was so particularly inspired by the interaction with the other volunteers. To hear how volunteering changed their lives, no matter how small is enough to rekindle my fire.

I am now committed to making volunteering a part of my life =)

I'm back from taiwan~! yay

Tons of updates to do here, but I will post up the travel entry pretty soon. Looks like I'm going to be staying in sch for another year =)

CACTUS 2010 was a blast!

Attended the first school performance in my 3 years of university life, and I was treated to a fusion of music, voices and dance. It was a display of dances/singing from the various sub clubs like social & ballroom dance, d'hoppers, Jazzitude, BBoys, Resonance, Voices etc.

What an Amazing night!

Time sure flies. At the blink of an eye, I'm already approaching weekends.

It's about time to start doing my readings, but somehow I can't seem to find the motivation to do it. Especially when it is so alluring to watch movies, eat good food, shop around etc. I basically spent my Monday & Tuesday watching 2 very good movies - Schindler's List and Amadeus. Wednesday was outing to eat potatofarmland (omg good stuff!), Friday attending the YouthsLEAD launch dinner.

I can't wait for the OBS module 1. I seriously need some adventure in the wild.

Should I continue with the PA YouthsLead 2010 programme?

While I am extremely happy to be selected for this, I don't know whether I have time to do a good job in it. After all, there are no clashes currently (since the special semester timetable is not out yet), but I am not exactly sure if I can handle doing windsurf camp, special semester and this YouthsLead activities (3 camps + 1 GRO attachment project) on top of doing research for thesis.

In a Dilemma.

Attended several inspiring talk by the various speakers working in the different fields of psychology in Singapore. There were topics on working as a counselor, educational psychologist, forensic psychologist, clinical psychologist, industrial/organizational psychologist as well as being a psycho-entrepreneur.

We also learnt about how to get into graduate school in psychology and the best of all panel discussion with some of the more distinguished leaders in the local field (for example our own Prof George Bishop!). Had a great time knowing more about the field where my passion lies =)

Crazy mambo night out with the windsurfers (char, jocene, xingyan, yew ming and jeron)!

Drank alcohol as though it was dirt cheap (which is true in a way), and I couldn't even walk in a straight line, nor count multiples of seven even before we went into phuture. It's interesting to see the people you usually see behaving in all kinds of weird manner yesterday. haha

Anyway, psychology talk tomorrow and saturday. Followed by dinner with lost-long friend penguin and Project Excellence volunteering. Sunday's up for windsurfing.

I foresee a busy week ahead, yet satisfying at the same time =)

Sunflower!

Thanks for the Iron Man 2 movie treat~!!! Such a pleasant surprise (totally gave me a big shock in fact). Though I am still sad over the news, but nevertheless there will definitely be a solution to the problem.

Don't ever lose faith, for the battle has only just begun.

Been neglecting this place for sometime. A few reasons, one - no time to blog, two -no inspiration, hence the lack of "proper" posts these past few weeks.

Now that I am finally done with all the papers, perhaps I can have more time to re-indulge in some philosophical pondering and get inspiration for the blog posts.

On a side note, I really hope to find a good supervisor for HT. Dr Sandy is good, but I still have a lot of persuasion to do in order to find a co-supervisor, otherwise all the effort so far will go to waste =(

Or maybe I should just stick to doing other topics or modules?

"I'm famous for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around." - Homer

Hope that gives everyone enough motivation to study~! cos Homer will be watching you =P

"If success is determined by the number of steps you have taken, just look down and you will be surprised by how much you achieved. But there are many more steps in front (CP,2010)"

The Spelling Bee Competition for the P5/6 is fantastic. Some of the kids really amazed me when they can spell words that I didn't expect them to (after all I got the words straight from the dictionary). Either that or maybe I underestimated their abilities. oops.

Inspiration from Akeelah and the Bee. Wow!

Sometimes I wonder whether I should leave the situation as it is and don't bother making my life that miserable. Since the problem has been stuck for so long and there is still no solution in sight. Such a awkard situation yesterday, I don't even know why she can behave like nothing happen when I am trying to avoid her.

That one entire year of "friendship" gone just like that. Maybe that one year when I thought the times was happy and it meant something to everyone doesn't mean anything at all.

Perhaps pretending to be strangers could be a way out eventually. And I should stop thinking about it and focus my attention on the others who have supported me all this time.

Nevertheless, I'm glad there are angels who are still disguised all around me, even after the situation threatened to push us apart. Thanks people =)

Some inspirational stuff to motivate everyone who are busy studying/doing reports/rushing projects. Special thanks to nana for finding the quote below. Thanks lots =)

"If you take a nap now, you will dream, but if you study now, you will have your dreams coming true." via @Liccalika

Jiayou everyone!

Getting extremely unmotivated to study as the days progress. Is this what we call "burnout"?

I don't want to play Pokemon anymore, I want to study. Arghh. Someone gimme some extrinsic motivation (since intrinsic is not working) to mug.

The last PE session was quite a shock. Simon didn't realise there was a session for the P3/P4 and we had to do an impromptu brainstorming for the lesson plan.

Anyway the entire story goes like this. Last saturday was supposedly the term review for the project, and we had a meeting with the teachers in the morning. I was rather impressed with the meeting flow, all the teachers contributed to the discussion and they didn't really "ignore" our points that we brought up as well.

Not that I purposely wanted to say those words, but we are the youngest among the group, and there is of course a tendency that they will treat our points as irrelevant or not important. I have seen so many examples when senior management thinks their points are correct and doesn't give a hoot about what the rest says.

But that is not the main story. I did learnt a lot from this meeting, and gained more experience with dealing with problematic kids (or at least I believed so). Nevertheless, after meeting we went for lunch and wanted to get a birthday cake for huihui. While we were eating together with simon, he told us that there was a lesson and that he forgot about it. Oh my, I got such a big shock. The time was about 145pm, and the class starts at 3pm.

Fortunately we realised that there are chinese chess in the cupboard and we ended up teaching the kids how to play =)

p.s It's quite a sight to see kids queuing up to receive huihui's birthday cake. haha I wished I was young again

Dealing with people matters is probably the most difficult thing to do in this world.

You do this, and there will be impact on a few people, you do that, then it will affect other people as well. Don't do anything, it will still have an effect. Given such dilemma, how do we tell which of the decision is the best among them all?

While I was watching the film titled "12 Angry Men", one thought came to my mind. How do we essentially know which is the correct decision to make? Sometimes, the majority agreement does not necessarily meant that their answer is right (As shown in the movie). Especially when it is in an ambiguous situation without full information all the time.

Very often it just take one strong opinion and a charismatic leader and decision can be swayed towards a particular direction. What I often find is that, sometimes there is not much deliberate thought before doing the decision, or the deliberation is just not enough. Once you have an opinion, it is far likely that you will try to confirm your hypthosis than discomfirm it.

So when every decision made is based on the knowledge of some people, we might end up in a groupthink trap. But then, very often we don't have the luxury of time when deciding on matters. After all, there are so many more things to do, by the time you get back to evaluating your initial argument, time is up and the effect is permanent.

So this post is dedicated to everyone who are decision-makers, be it a big or small matter. It is extremely important to think and get a third party opinion. Sometimes I will wish to do so.

Or perhaps I was never suitable for a position like this and should continue to be a introverted mugger, who aims to be a librarian for life.

"Emotions kills reason." Evaluate this claim.

ohmygod, totally didn't expect this kind of question to come out for the midterms. Nevertheless, 2 midterms down and last one to go. And not forgetting the emotions presentation, the group dynamics tutorial presentation and the MNO video.

All due within the next few weeks. Arghh =(

Pardon for the lack of updates. As usual, not much events happening recently that seemed interesting enough to be posted here.

Chinese New Year is becoming like a rountine, so I am not exactly excited to blog about it. After all its always house visiting followed by mahjong, eat, poker, eat, eat, sleep, eat. What is special this year is Recess week is the same week! Omg I hate it when I gotta study for mid terms and do essays when its the festive mood.

Its time to study for emotions mid terms, and also to finish up on the video project as well as a very weird "blind date" tutorial project. haha. Anyway, I am so contemplating whether to sign up for YOUTHSlead 2010. Seriously tempted to get this cool experience (recommended by huihui) but I wonder whether I have the time to commit.

Let me go sleep over it. Its surfing this weekend again =)

p.s I like the powerpoints lots.

My first time taking over the class. Super nervous in the beginning but I gradually got the hang of it.

Fortunately the students seemed manageable. Or was it because of the fact that I used "Mr Heng" aka "Mr Tan number 2" ?? haha.

Anyway we started with watching the second part of the movie of "Akeelah and the bee" for the 1st hour. Our second activity was a variant of the spelling bee competition. We split the students into 4 groups and each group has to memorise 4 list of words within 20mins. We also asked each group to think of a word to be used to test the others in the bonus round later.The game started with each member going up at least once in each round to answer the spelling. Correct answer will get 1 point. After that the next member go up and answer and this continues for 2 rounds. At the last round, each group can send a representative to go up to spell the word that another group has written down. Each correct answer will get 2 points. The word that other groups have written is not listed in the word list, as such it requires the person to really break up the words and spell them out.

First session for the new year and it's great that it all went smoothly =)

Don't really like to ramble about the daily activities on my blog, but I am seriously super sian.

Why do the prof want to put the mid term test immediately after recess week?? And why did the school have to put the recess week together with the chinese new year week?? Why does everyone get to go out and I gotta stay at home and mug for the test??

Oh well. Such rambling doesn't really solve anything. End of post. Now its back to mugging.

That's why I still choose Yale to NUS (If I have the choice).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGn3-RW8Ajk

Of course that is not a sign that NUS is bad in anyway. I am still glad that I made it here. University is still the best years of my life. We have cca cultures, hall culture, but it seems we still lack that NUS spirit. I can't really grapple what it is. Maybe because it is not distinctive enough.

That sparkle in the eye whenever the school is mentioned. I can't seem to feel it. But nevertheless, its a cool video. haha

Actually I don't know what else to say. I don't know whether to blog this out or not. But oh well.

We came.
We trained.
We tried.
But sometimes effort does not equate result.
I'm sorry.

Even if it is only by just 1 point.

Is there such a thing as a permanent group?

I don't really have an answer. After all that has happened the past few days, I really pondered over this question hard. It started out with the question as to why people join groups?

It seems that people join groups for a variety of reasons, such as for social support in times of need, to focus on a collective task, for companionship, for prestige, and all sorts of reason. And as I wondered more about what constitues an essence of a group, it appears I can't really think of any (of course this is restricted to my own perspective as usual).

What I feel is that people join group for a reason (they can't decide to join anyone for no reason at all), and the group is supposed to be the gel to achieve the person's agenda. So when...

1) one does not feels affilated to a group,
2) the different members have different agendas,
3) the task is completed
4) the well-liked member decide to leave the group

there seems to be nothing left for that can keep the group together. Or is there something that I missed out? because if everything can be so rationally understood, then my eventual conclusion will be that one does not need a permanent group after all.

Take for example, you join a group because you feel affilated and that you have a common goal. But when the goal is completed or the affilation disappears (for a variety of reason eg. conflicts, well-liked member left etc) Will you still remain in the group?

I joined windsurfing because of all the members that I got to know then. But when these people graduate, there is not much motivation to want to continue to be in the group, especially if I don't know anyone at all. As much as I put in so much effort all this while, one day I realise I will end up leaving the group too. So why should I put in effort for something that will be gone?

Using the example of family, the parents are the one who keep the "group" together. But one day they leave, will the essence of the group remains? This point shows that when members of a group leaves, the group will eventually disappear.

So in the end, can there ever be a permanent "group" where I can really anchor myself to?

大多数二十多岁的男人处于他一生中最暗淡的时刻，没事业，没钱。二十多岁的女人正处于她一生中最光彩的时刻，她年轻，她漂亮。 所以20多岁的男人更应该珍惜在这个时候爱他的女人，因为她是用她一生中最光彩的时刻来陪伴你一生中最暗淡的时刻!

kapo from kelvin's blog.

Just like a sunflower, life is a cycle of ups and downs. Each morning the sunflower faces towards the sun and opens up, spreading its bright yellow petals for everyone to admire. At night, it bends down and silently awaits for the next day.

Once in a while, someone will pass by and compliment you for brightening their day. That without you, their existence will never be the same. But most of the time, you will be neglected. Society itself is like that, humans are too busy to appreciate what lies along their path.

But does that mean the sunflower shouldn't open their petals then? No, because collectively, if each sunflower does not want to open up itself, the whole world will be such a dark and uninspiring place. The sunflower is the symbol of happiness.

Similarly, if each of us is like a sunflower, I urge everyone to continue to stay happy. Even when it seems that day is the worst time of your life, stay happy. Even when the whole world is against you, stay happy as well. It will be hard to do so, but you still gotta try.

Happiness is contagious. Help spread it. For tomorrow will be a better day =)

My last hurdle. Hope I made the correct decisions this time round.

GE2018/SSA2215 - The Biophysical Environment of Singapore
GE2220 - Terrestrial & Coastal Environments
PL3240 - Group Dynamics
PL3252 - Social-Cognitive Perspectives on Emotion
MNO1001- Management and Organisation

Away for SIM Windsurfing Championship 9-10 Jan. Pray for good wind =)

Sometimes I really wondered whether it is good to have so many red-tape all over the place. On the other hand, I know as well that bureaucracy is ultimately essential for every society. It forms the basic framework, creates law and order and helps to create jobs for people. One thing is for sure, this is definitely not the ideal bureaucracy that Max Weber had envisioned.

Seeing how the paperwork gets pushed all around the different departments, and how these so called high-ranking legislators give promises that they don't follow up on, I am rather disappointed with the civil service.

What is the job of the civil service? To serve the people.

If it can't even accomplish such a task, what's the use of having so many people? Perhaps the adage "too many cook spoil the soup" is indeed applicable here.

School's reopening soon. So it's about time to start mugging and pull up my CAP.

As usual resolutions for the new year (which sadly remains the same for the past few years)

show more care and concern to those around me.
be more sensitive when I speak.
achieve 4.0 GPA
save up a $10,000 bank account.
level 1 heart-to-heart with mixedrice.
teach windsurfing to the juniors.
go read up more on investing.
write out my first collection of short stories.
master french to at least intermediate level.

Wish me luck for the new year =)

The year-end review is back again. This is a full year of surprises and shocks, almost like a roller-coaster ride. And I'm glad I managed to survive this tough year. Brief recap of the interesting things that occurred over the past year.


Jan - Many firsts in life. First trip to Vietnam with the Team Gusto volunteers as well as first french meal with jean, the first friend i made in French class.

Feb - Training with the windsurfing peeps for NTU Open and ITWC. Let's do it again this year. 4th in a row.

Mar - Late night supper with the supper gang and spending time to Bare Your Sole for charity.

Apr - "I wanna nobody nobody but you!" *clap clap and Uniform Party in charissa's room in RH. We hope we didn't terrorise the school too much =P

May - Month of waltz-ing and emo-ing with Life on the Moon. It's also back to work at LISEN. omgomgomg.

Jun - One of the best trips so far in Gunung Stong. It's all about Teamwork, Perseverance and Goal-Doing.

Jul - Disappointed with how the windsurf camp went, but I guess this feeling will pass. Busy month with SL Matric Fair and Project Excellence.

Aug - Marveled at the sight of Jupiter and surfing it out at my first windsurfing competition.

Sep - The most emotional month of the year. "I still want to believe that miracles do exist" and it still does.

Oct - What makes me happy? I didn't have an answer then. "Like Love, Happiness need no reminder." (CP,2009)

Nov - Meteor shower reminded me that some things in life do really deserve the wait. Being overly pessimistic is just not worth the time. MR First Halloween Party occurred as well.

Dec - Philosophical pondering and First "Ready For School" project. Lots of time spent with Mugger Republic as well.

To my friends out there, I know its not easy to get along with me. I can be overly emotional, very stubborn at times, insensitive to others and extremely straightforward/blunt. While I am gradually learning to accept the flaws I see in people, I do urge you all can do the same for me.

Someday when I am less critical of others and myself, perhaps I can finally see that this world is still beautiful in a way. Have faith =)

Happy 2010.

In the words of Rene Descartes, "I think therefore I am." It suggests that as long as there is thought, we can be sure that the thought, or the person thinking truly exist. For thought cannot exist if there is no one is thinking about it.

I don't know whether I truly exist in the past, it could be a mere construction of a new memory , instead of reconstruction of a past memory. I don't know whether I exist in the future in a similar fashion. Because what I am thinking now, whether it is the past or the future is just based on representation of my current thought. Everything could just be a dream.

If what Descartes says is in fact true, at least at the very present moment, I know that I exist. Similarly feelings/emotions are presented in the same way too. I don't know what I felt in the past or in the future, but I do know that this feeling is present now.

I could imagine being happy in the future, I could imagine being happy in the past, but I cannot confirm both with certainty as well. But I know I can be sure I am feeling happy at the present moment.

Perhaps ultimately only the present matters.

Today simon told me an interesting illustration of the importance of patience. I shall call it the water heater example.

"When people bath, they turn the water heater to a certain level (eg. level 2). But they complain that the water is still too cold. So they turn up the heater to a higher temperature. In the end, they complain that the water is too hot."

This example shows us that very often we are too impatient to wait and tend to rush things a little. The water heater takes time to heat up the water, but because of our impatience, we turn up the temperature to a level that is not suitable for us (too hot). Perhaps in reality, this level 2 is already the best/optimal temperature for us.

So what this all suggest is that sometimes in life, we have to be patient. Somethings are already working at its best, so its no good to make things move a little faster. Time can be our best friend, it can also be our worst enemy.

Even though there is more good news than bad news, I don't really feel like blogging here.

But generally, both windsurf events went well without any major hiccups, all that is left are the post-event paperwork and they can be closed. The committee is getting more bonded, so that is another call for celebration. After all, that is one of the main goals I set for the second year in committee.

"Ready for School Project" was great too. Its definitely an experience worth remembering and I hope I will be back again next year.

Results was what I had hoped to achieve, so its another relief for me. Of course I will continue to work hard the next semester (or rather all the remaining ones).

Let's just hope the good things continue =)

Merry Xmas to everyone and enjoy the festive mood!

credits from yahoo images

Away for

December Training Camp,

Mugger Republic JB Trip,

CDAC "Ready for School" Event,

Windsurfing Internal Race'09,

MixedRice Year-End Party,

Project Excellence Xmas Party,

& Sports Club Welfare Treat.

shall update when I'm back! Enjoy the holidays everyone =)

p.s pray for good wind and clear skies too.

Till Death Us Do Part

Harry and Sophia wanted to take seriously the words of the minister would utter as they exchanged rings: "These two lives are now joined in one unbroken circle." This meant putting their collective interest first, and their individual interests second. If they could do that, the marriage would be better for both of them.

But Harry had seen his own parents divorce and too many friends and relations hurt by betrayal and deceit to accept this unquestioningly. The calculating part of his brain reasoned that, if he put himself second, and Sophia put herself first, Sophia would get a good deal from the marriage but he wouldn't. In other words, he risked being taken for a mug if he romantically failed to protect his own self-interest.

Sophia had similar thoughts. They had even discussed the problem and agreed that they would really would not be egotistical in the marriage. But neither could be sure the other would keep their part of the bargain, so the safest course of action for both was to secretly look out for themselves. That inevitably meant the marriage would not be as good as it could have been. But surely it was the only rational course of action to take?

(from "The Pig that wants to be eaten)

The classic "prisoner's dilemma" presented here again. If humans can be less calculating and care more for a collective good, this world would be a more beautiful place. But if this kind of problem can happen in marriage (concerns just 2 person), I cannot imagine how people can work together for a greater good. Sometimes blind faith might work better.

I don't know if its confirmatory bias but somehow I seem to notice a lot of relationship stuff happening all around me. It could be good news, bad news or whatever, but what interests me is that why am I starting to notice them?

Is it because these days I'm brainstorming a new storyline (a topic about cupid and love) that causes this or was it something else?

Even my mum is behaving so weirdly the past few weeks (and I'm pretty sure its not a perceptual problem). Must be because my younger brother got a girlfriend. haha.

p.s I'm collecting some interesting love stories for this. So if you have anything interesting please sent it to me =)

Super tired after such a busy week. But its not over yet.

After 2 days of intensive packing, we are done with the 9000++ vouchers to be given out for the CDAC "Ready For School" event.

Mambo, random CPG party, night cycling, adobe photoshop workshop, (kite-flying?). I need more sleep =(

CPR + AED Familiarization Training today, 3pm @ SRC Dancefloor.

SuperH says: so i've a group of friends whom i'm close with. v close. but as we become closer, i start to see their flaws. some of which is really irritating me. I'm not sure if its me who is getting anal, or is it because they are really treating ppl who are closer w less thoughtfulness. or rather, as time goes by, you have exhausted all their good points.

SuperH says: and i bet these are gg to strain my friendship w them. if thats the case, whats the point of being close to your friends when its just going to strain the friendship at the end of the day.

SuperH says: I am wondering if it is better to keep a distance from all your friends, a distance that is far enuff so that we dont see each other's flaws. maintain a good image, a facade. Keep the distance, keep the flaws. and since no one really understands, why make the effort to express your feelings to them. you can be your own best friend.

This brings me to the question about friendship. Can I accept the flaws that I see in my friends as well?

If yes, then I am contradicting the very beliefs that I have for myself. After all, the flaws are the ones that I see as unacceptable.

If no, then I guess there can be no friends for me. Since it is impossible to find someone who fits the bill (except myself). I am my own best friend in the end.

It's time to pick up philosophy again. This time I borrowed this book called The Pig that wants to be eaten.

An interesting and yet thought-provoking book by Julian Baggini. Not sure if I can post it here, but some of the short stories are so mind-boogling and awesome. Haha

Supposed you live in a desert all your life, and one day a relative comes back from his travels and tells u about his stories. One thing he mentioned was 'ice'. In the far corner of the earth, there was a place that was so cold that the water stopped flowing and formed into a translucent block. The only difference between the block and the water that flows is that it is much colder. Would you believe that 'ice' exist?

Now the problem is that if you have never seen anything with your own eyes, how can you show that it is true? Yet again, if you choose not to believe it, you could be missing out on something that is in fact true. But you cannot afford to believe it from just a person's perspective. Even if many people agree, does it mean it is in fact true? Remember the time when people claimed that the earth was flat.

So the best is to keep an open mind about everything. There is still a limit to our knowledge that cannot be addressed even till now.

This thought has been lingering for some time, but I was busy with other more important stuff that I didn't really have time to reflect on it.

But after huimin's comment during suppertalk, I begin to realise the importance of this issue. She said I look as though I was "living in my own world", even though I am always physically present, my mind seem to be always off somewhere else. What's worse is that she can see the "fear" in my eyes that I myself know is present as well.

I don't know how to describe this fear. The best words I can find for now is "loss" of emotions. In a way, I don't know whether I can feel truly happy or sad anymore. Don't ask me how come because I don't have a clue myself too. The emotions I experience seem to be like fleeting thoughts, I can be ecstatic whenever I play, but a few moments later I begin to feel nothing again. So much so that I start questioning myself if I did experience anything at all in the first place. Something must have changed me to who I am today.

When I'm happy I laugh, when I'm angry, I laugh, and when I'm sad, I laugh as well. So much so that everything I laugh, I can no longer know what emotion I am experiencing. And coupled with the fact that I know these are passing "emotional" thoughts, I start behaving like a detached individual, like what huimin said. Which is true in fact, because I can no longer see the actual me. Its like being an observer watching the life of another (which is still me) going on.

What is it like to truly feel again?

And its all over. Time to savour the well-deserved break.

What is it that I want to achieve in life?

After a msn conversation with huihui, I seem to understand this a "little" better. I still remember all these years, the only dream that I had was to make it to university. Now that I am here, it dawned onto me that I no longer have anything else to look forward to.

Even in retrospect, sometimes I wonder why I am so concerned with getting a degree in the first place. Perhaps it was due to socialization when all of us were young. Our parents always tell us to study hard and get a good degree, otherwise we can only be "road-sweepers" or "toilet cleaners". Somehow this is only true to an extent. You don't have to be a road-sweeper even without any qualifications, and it does not necccessarily meant that you can't be a degree holder toilet cleaner. Come to think of it now, I laugh at how silly I was to believed them in the past.

But I guess our parents are encouraging us for our own good. In this competitive society, qualifications seems to be all that matter. Good Honours means better paying job. But is that what I really want? Materialism doesn't seem to appeal me much. I am pretty fine just wearing pasar-malam clothes or imitation adidas from bangkok. Or is it the society itself, we value success only in such monetary terms. What happened to everything else? Does being poor really meant you are a total failure?

Again people is going to criticse that I'm daydreaming (idealist), or I should just conform to majority. Or that I have never tasted poverty to understand how money can make one happy. Yes that is true, but didn't our parents lived a life that used to be tough? How can we tell that they are more happy now than before?

But that is a side point. I can't forsee myself being happy just by earning a lot of money, whether I can afford to get my own car or that newest Iphone. I don't know what makes me happy (at least for now). There must be more to life that this.

I want to live a life where I know if I were to die tomorrow, I can still leave with a smile. Not trying to be pessimistic here, but since the future is unknown, anything is possible. Some incidents have a higher probability than others though, like getting heart attack, car accident, more than dying under the debris from an earthquake. I don't want to waste my time pursuing these superficial things.

Even after 10 years, I still don't really know what I want in life after all.

Just one more day.

Yesterday night spent at admiralty park was indeed worthwhile.

The sky was overcast since evening, and I was pretty afraid the clouds would remain so. Fortunately, the sky managed to clear up a little at about 2am. That was when I got so random and decided to take the field chair down my block and see from the bus stop (which is much darker). Apparently while I was staring into the sky, a police car stopped by. Super shocked because I had like no IC, no phone, no money with me at all.

The policemen thought I was drunk and sitting by the road. Oh well, I guess its really quite weird to find a lone figure sitting in the middle of the bus stop, leaning against the lamp post and staring into the sky.

Anyway, my uncle came and we headed for admiralty park. Set up the stuff and used the binoculars. That was when the sky cleared and I saw the most starry night I haven seen in Singapore (with the exception of Tekong).

In the end, I got to see 4 meteors, including one with a very nice blue trail. A special bonus when we unexpectedly located mars using the telescope =)

more on facebook album. This shall be the start of my star gazing album.

I need to amass all my positive self-efficacy to last through this week.

Independent Thinker: Career
As an Independent Thinker, you are one of the introverted personality types. That is one of the reasons you prefer to work alone. This does not mean that you cannot be successful in a team, as well. For you, the task is most important and people who are involved come second. The contact with others, the necessity to adjust yourself to their daily changing sensitivities - all of it is just more gratuitous emotion that keep you from totally devoting yourself to those things that truly interest you: analyzing systems and policies, researching potentials for change, developing new ideas and implementing them in reality.

Here you differ from the second introverted Thinker type, the Analytical Thinker: You truly enjoy implementing your concepts and you enjoy the results. Therefore you should look for a work environment where you can accompany and expedite your ideas through to their conclusion. You consider difficult situations as challenges that really try your creativity and you frequently surprise people around you with genuinely incredibly bright ideas, rendering others speechless with their excellence. Your world consists of statistics, legitimacy, and systematics.

Considering all of this, your Thinker type is very praxis-oriented, and by no means lives on an intellectual ivory tower. You are not interested in theories not related to reality. As in chess, you are excellent at predicting the consequences of your methods in advance, and then choosing the appropriate alternative. Once you have made your decision on how to deal with a situation, you are totally willing to use your elbows and you don’t necessarily show any consideration for others. With that, you occasionally encounter resistance from other, less task-oriented colleagues that you quickly brush aside.

You resent routine jobs or monotonic order of events. You believe that they smother your creativity. If necessary, your determination and unusual ambition will convince you to acquiesce to the inevitable. Nevertheless, when choosing your profession, you should be mindful that your working environment is going to provide you with something new to learn and that your tasks are as varied as possible. Your strength lies in solving novel problems and not working on details. Nor should your curiosity ever be satisfied; just as fresh information is as important to you as the air you breathe, so is the feeling that you continuously expand and increase your competencies. An activity where you do the same thing in the same department with the same colleagues for 20 years is the worst fate that can possibly happen to a hungry mind.

Independent Thinker: Love

For your partner, you are truly a hard nut to crack, and one has to give someone who goes through life as independent as you darn good reasons for a relationship before he/she deigns to at least consider it. You very slowly and judiciously develop trust and closeness to other people; whoever wants to win you needs a tremendous amount of patience and staying power.

Even once you begin to warm up to someone, one does not sense that for the longest time as you are uncomfortable and reluctant to display your feelings because you are not used to it. The cool, distanced, and somewhat arrogant vibes of all Thinkers are a little more pronounced with you and already sufficiently discourage many potential partners as they get frustrated and give up during the advanced phases of flirting - a shame because inside, you are not as indifferent and emotionless as you some- times appear, and sometimes your reserve simply hides your disappointment at the blindness and superficiality of the people around you.

Nevertheless, it is always a good idea for you to choose a partner very carefully and not blindly jump into an affair, because your demands are very high. You have a clear image of the “perfect relationship” and are not willing to deviate from that by even one millimeter to the right or the left. A sharp intellect that is equal to yours is the most important quality your partner must bring along. You need somebody in your life who inspires, stimulates, and always challenges you and with whom you can maintain an intensive intellectual companionship. Nothing will impress you more than competence, knowledge, and the willingness to learn because those are the traits that are truly important to you in your life. You are never really satisfied with your accomplishments, and always discover something about yourself that needs your improvement, where something new can be learned, and where you are not yet good enough.

http://www.ipersonic.com/test.html

Went for "Ask Stupid Question: Innovation without Inhibition" workshop at CDAC HQ yesterday.

It's been quite some time since I went back to HQ, and since it was a sunday, the whole place was empty. Oh well, I guess we have to find some other time if we were to catch Valerie at work.

Anyway the workshop was interesting, but the concept of asking stupid questions as a way to generate ideas itself was the most fascinating. Similar to most workshops I attended, most activities were in the form of experiential learning (meaning learning through play).

Unfortunately the method is a trademark of the NLB, so I can't really post them up here. But you can always meet me and discuss ways to generate ideas for future research =)

Today's the last session for Project Excellence this year.

Tried out moderating a debate for the first time. The motion of the day was "Using computers affect your studies positively" and the P4s had to come up with their own points and try to argue in a coherent manner.

It was quite impressive that they were able to present well despite it being their first attempt. Debates are usually for secondary school level, so considering their young age, it was really good =)

And with that concludes the end of the 2009 programme.

I'm so demoralised now that I feel like FFG-ing already.

Maybe I'm just not cut out to do research and I should just settle for second best. But right now I don't have a plan B in sight. All this while, I only had 1 goal in my uni life. To get into Honors so that I can do my masters next time.

Now I have this almost insurmountable obstacle right in front. And I don't have the confidence to cross over it. My self-efficacy has never been this low.

This is one failure too many.

Somehow I can't resist the temptation of not blogging. Even when I got nothing much to post up as well.

The only thing interesting so far was the first MR Halloween Celebration. A truly new experience for all the mixedrice members, after none of us had actually attended such an event before. My costume was supposedly a serial killer (check out my facebook dp to see how I look), but I'm more impressed with xia's attire. Just wow-ed me in her chinese ghost look.

Anyway the heavy rain did not deter us from parading ourselves, and even the taxi driver got so afraid of picking us up to go to Settler's Cafe at SMU. Anyway we went for a long parade from SMU to cinelesiure to catch our midnight movie after that.

I was sweating like crazy under the raincoat that I doubt I will wear it again for the next few weeks. But I had my fair share of fun waving at people on the streets.

What a night to remember. Now its back to studying all the way till December.

"Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass, or glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind."
- William Wordsworth

Credit: picture from yahoo images.

Today's Project Excellence session was one of the best so far.

Perhaps it was due to the presence of an external audience (the cameraman who is doing the filming), the kids were extremely well-behaved throughout the session. This is quite miraculous, considering that these kids are usually noisy at times. Or was it the presence of Mr Tan? A possible confound.

This is such an interesting phenomenon. I remembered reading from somewhere that when an individual is under scrutiny by a camera, he/she will display a nontypical positive behaviour. Apparently this applies to kids as well.

But anyway, the activities were the same as previous week. A game of Headcount, followed by Poker Cards Mental Sum and finally a heuristic activity called "Act It Out". The kids were exposed to this special way of solving maths problems which I felt was very effective. We had an outdoor session of "Inventing Games" before the session ended.

It's 2 more session then we are done for the year. I can't imagine we are 1 year old faciliators now (or 2 year volunteers). Like what jeffrey says, we are going to hit the "3 year itch" pretty soon. haha

And Simon told us news that the programme is expanding, so next year is going to be a tough one. But like the rest of the volunteers, I believe we will be ready for this new challenge =)

"Like Love, Happiness need no reminder." (CP,2009)

I must laugh more. Arghhh I don't want to FFG yet. 1.5 more months to go. Jiayou CP!

Every semester there will be a point in time when I start questioning why I decided to torture myself by taking psychology. There is so many readings to do every week, numerous essays to submit, and super difficult mid-terms and final examinations (which never fails to cause my low self-esteem to drop further).

And somehow that period will pass and I will begin to like psychology again.

Unfortunately, its that time of the semester again =(

"Life often surprises you when you least expect it. Of course whether it's pleasant or not depend very well on your own perspective" (CP, 2009)

In life, there are so many things that are beyond anyone's control. What happens when expectations don't meet reality? One can either change their expectations to reflect reality, or continue treating reality as a nightmare that one will wake up from eventually.

As much as I like to dream about that wonderful future, sometimes its better to be realistic. Expectations usually yield disappointments. And I don't want to feel that often in life.

My life is too short for sad things.

Data collection totally drained me out. From the way I see the results, there is a strong possibility that no significant effect can be found.

I shall pray for the best. Otherwise I have no idea how to write the report. 60% OMG.

"If love is ultimately selfish, I'll rather not love at all." (CP, 2009)

I decided to post up the activities that the volunteers have done for Project Excellence, in case we forgot about them next time in our lives.

On Saturday, we were supposed to have a filming session for publicity during the cdac award ceremony but the filming crew didn't appear. So end up some of the activities got postponed to another session.

Anyway, we started off with a game of Headcount, a DS game that shows people walking in, walking out of a house and we have to guess the final numbers of people in the house at the end. This is an interesting game that demonstrates the need for accuracy and concentration given time pressure.

The next game we played uses poker cards. Each kid got a stack of cards and they are supposed to open them up and either multiply, add or subtract the numbers and tell us the answer in the shortest time.

After that, the kids got a chance to go out and they were given the task of inventing a game for the other kids to play using the allocated equipment. These includes 1 blindfold, 1 inflatable ball and 6 hula-hoops.

Enjoyed this session tremendously =)

Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.

-Karen Ravn-

We will be having Dr Kai-Ping Shaw, the number 1 forensic pathologist in taiwan as our guest lecturer tomorrow.

Looking forward to it =)

Haven't visited the thingsweforget blog for sometime and I was greeted with this very relevant post-it note. I will always remember this by heart. It's useless to lead just by using authority and power, for you will only have their obedience but never their hearts.

One day, I hope to be a true leader who can inspire and motivate people to chase for their own dreams =)

E-learning week this week!

But no break for me. Must continue to mug (especially after I saw the social cog mid terms results. oh crap I shall not comment on it)

Time to re-learn how to use SPSS again =(

Good wind today =)

And I must surf more with that dreaded 6m. I can do this!

We had a very special guest lecturer for our forensic class yesterday. And he is the famous Dr. Henry C. Lee 李昌鈺.

At first I didn't know how famous he was, after all our lecturer's (Dr Stella) email said "one of the world foremost forensic scientist". I thought that must be nothing compared to those Nobel laureates, but apparently I was wrong. Dr Stella said it cost something like US$10,000 for an hour of his lecture so he must be some really big shot (which is in fact through).

NUS is really honored by his presence. His lecture was extremely interesting and he kept throwing free badges to students who answered his questions (raising your hands is counted as well sometimes). Those badges were like $29.90 each. Wow. His fascination for spinning powerpoints words entertained us well for that 3 hours too.

Somewhere in the middle of the lecture, he also showed us a picture of his plastic ruler he used for his investigation work. Someone actually took it and sold it on ebay for like US$495. That ruler probably cost like 50 cents?? haha. He was going to give out 2 during the lecture and one of those rulers ended up with some lucky student in the lecture hall (The other went to the Vice Dean I think).

Some of his famous cases includes the OJ Simpson case, reinvestigation of JFK assassination, 3-19 Chen Sui Ban shooting (then taiwan president), Vincent Foster case, Phil Spector case. Check out wikipedia to find out more. These are BIG cases.

One of the best forensic lecture so far =)

It's time to re-watch this and learn the art of synthesizing happiness.

Oops but sorry for the lack of updates. I was too busy trying to rush through 2 mid terms test and 1 forensic report this week. But I'm done with it now (like finally). So that is the end of hell week I supposed.

Recess Week was a super fruitful one. Other than monday and tuesday when I was busy mugging alone in RP library for social cog test, wednesday was spent with CPG at JB, followed by NEXUS camp from thursday till sunday.

JB was a great time to nua. We basically slacked around Jusco for lunch at A&W. Out of our randomness, we decided to do a carousal from the wooden structure (or whatever you call it). Cool way to slack while waiting for dinner at Taman garden (literal translation). After that its secret recipe for takeaway back home.

NEXUS camp is one fun camp. We get to do whitewater rafting, waterfall abseiling and caving all for FREE. haha. Of course we learnt about leadership stuff as well. And tons of games, especially polar bear.

Alright I shall stop for now. Need to rush my forensic report first.